I experienced a somewhat bizarre sensation tonight on my bike ride home from Nick’s.
I was riding through the empty library parking lot just before my apartment, and I looked left and right before crossing the entrance like I always do. Now, whenever I look left and right before crossing a street, I always try very hard to remember to intentionally look forward as well.
This comes from a Kempo swim clinic I used to go to years ago, where we were taught stealth swimming among other things. You do a sort of slow, exaggerated freestyle stroke and llean left and right as you do so to scan your surroundings. My soke always emphasized to pay attention and look forward while doing this as well, because it was easy to scan to either side and completely block out was directly in front of you. A handy skill for combat swimming to notice the archer directly in front of you, but also for crossing the street so you don’t block out the car coming straight ahead while repeating the childhood mantra of “left, right, left again”
ANYway, as I was doing my safety scan, something about the openness and emptiness of the lot made me lean very far around and scan everything around me. It felt really odd, like looking across a panoramic picture. It was as though I suddenly felt aware of the fact that the world existed 360 degrees around me, that there was so much more outside the cone of my forward vision that I never really thought about before. This sounds ridiculous when you break it down like this, because of course I’m “aware” of the world at large (I was spending a lot of time today playing GeoGuessr, afterall), but that kind of awareness is like a slightly abstract mental construct I carry around in my head. Being suddenly physically aware of the total space around me felt different, slightly alarming, but altogether pleasing.
I’m assuming this sensation is a goal people try to achieve when being “mindful of their surroundings” in a meditative sense, and I just somehow tripped and stumbled into it. I suppose I have an experience target to shoot for now!
Showing posts with label insights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insights. Show all posts
Friday, May 17, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Perception and Reality
If you are a facebook friend of mine, you'll know that earlier today I found what I thought to be a snake outside, and in my attempts to identify it, eventually realized that it was just a long, skinny lizard with tiny legs that I hadn't seen. The incident gave me pause to think about how interpret our entire reality through the filter of our minds, and sometimes that filter can just break on us.
In my example, I wasn't even the one to find the lizard. Davis was sniffing around and went rigid, then began to stalk something under the bush. I held him in and looked intently, trying to see what he could see, trying to force my mind to pick a pattern up in the brush to see through the camouflage that I assumed was there. Eventually I plucked out a patch of dried skin, connected it to a skinny scaley tail, and followed the body all the way to a head sitting still and watching back.
"Oh, it's a little snake, shedding its skin," I thought, pulling Davis's leash taut to interrupt his stalk, "but what kind of snake is it? Its head looks weird..." I continued to sit and watch intently, looking at the head and flicking through my internal catalog of snakes. I thought that its eyes were very small for a snake, it was a lizardy-looking face. I swept back and forth across its body, looking at the patterns on its scales, but nothing looked familiar. I took Davis in, got my camera to snap some close photos of the thing, then started looking up on the internet and trying to identify it.
I looked through all the common california snakes, asked my social network for ID help, but to no avail. After a fairly long time, looking at that weird head...that lizard-like head...I blinked and suddenly it all snapped into place. I instead looked up common California lizards, saw a more familiar scale pattern in a photo of a Southern Alligator Lizard, then looked back at my own photo. In the blink of an eye, the reality of my static photo changed.
The legs. They were *right there.* It was a lizard, not a snake, and the legs were right there in my own photo that I had taken and been studying intently. I'm sure anyone who saw me post the photo was probably thinking "Lisa, what's wrong with you? That's a lizard, it has legs!"
But at the time that my mind was in snake-id mode, my mind filtered them out. It turned them into debris and mulch and dismissed them to background noise as I instead laser-focused on its head. I was already too deep down the "snake" tree thinking about species that my mind didn't even consider checking the other top level "types of reptile" branches, even when I thought and even wrote "Its face looks kind of like a lizard." Even then my mind did not make the connection!
It's a little unsettling when something like this happens because it reminds me that even when our little brain filters are doing the best they can to process the world, sometimes they just don't work right. And that's all we have to go on. The only thing standing between us and the world is how our mind processes it, and you don't really have a way of knowing that your brain-filter is broken until after it finally kicks in and slides reality into place.
It's kind of like temporarily sliding into the brain of a madman, and that's terrifying, because you discover that being mad apparently feels completely normal.
In my example, I wasn't even the one to find the lizard. Davis was sniffing around and went rigid, then began to stalk something under the bush. I held him in and looked intently, trying to see what he could see, trying to force my mind to pick a pattern up in the brush to see through the camouflage that I assumed was there. Eventually I plucked out a patch of dried skin, connected it to a skinny scaley tail, and followed the body all the way to a head sitting still and watching back.
"Oh, it's a little snake, shedding its skin," I thought, pulling Davis's leash taut to interrupt his stalk, "but what kind of snake is it? Its head looks weird..." I continued to sit and watch intently, looking at the head and flicking through my internal catalog of snakes. I thought that its eyes were very small for a snake, it was a lizardy-looking face. I swept back and forth across its body, looking at the patterns on its scales, but nothing looked familiar. I took Davis in, got my camera to snap some close photos of the thing, then started looking up on the internet and trying to identify it.
I looked through all the common california snakes, asked my social network for ID help, but to no avail. After a fairly long time, looking at that weird head...that lizard-like head...I blinked and suddenly it all snapped into place. I instead looked up common California lizards, saw a more familiar scale pattern in a photo of a Southern Alligator Lizard, then looked back at my own photo. In the blink of an eye, the reality of my static photo changed.
The legs. They were *right there.* It was a lizard, not a snake, and the legs were right there in my own photo that I had taken and been studying intently. I'm sure anyone who saw me post the photo was probably thinking "Lisa, what's wrong with you? That's a lizard, it has legs!"
But at the time that my mind was in snake-id mode, my mind filtered them out. It turned them into debris and mulch and dismissed them to background noise as I instead laser-focused on its head. I was already too deep down the "snake" tree thinking about species that my mind didn't even consider checking the other top level "types of reptile" branches, even when I thought and even wrote "Its face looks kind of like a lizard." Even then my mind did not make the connection!
It's a little unsettling when something like this happens because it reminds me that even when our little brain filters are doing the best they can to process the world, sometimes they just don't work right. And that's all we have to go on. The only thing standing between us and the world is how our mind processes it, and you don't really have a way of knowing that your brain-filter is broken until after it finally kicks in and slides reality into place.
It's kind of like temporarily sliding into the brain of a madman, and that's terrifying, because you discover that being mad apparently feels completely normal.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
On Efficiency
Recently I started having thoughts about how to limit my futzing-around-on-the-internet time in order to allocate it to more productive ventures. I do spend a lot of time browsing around, consuming random articles about random topics, reading facebook and the like. However, in the middle of my efficiency plottings, I realized that I’ve tried this plan twice before already.
The first time was back in college, when I spent a lot of downtime reading Livejournal and participating in various forums. One year for Lent I decided to give up non-school-related internet activity, with the intention of using all the freed up time on all kinds of wonderful personal projects. A cunning plan that surely could not fail! So, when Ash Wednesday came and my habitual forum-browsing time arrived, what did I do? I took a nap. And that’s how it rolled for the whole time. All the time I saved by giving up those internet ventures went straight into sleep.
Several years later, after college, I had a similar scenario turn up. It was during my World of Warcraft prime, when that game consumed up vast amounts of my free time, that I at some point decided to limit myself in WoW so I could work on more productive personal projects. Again, I stayed true to my promise and strictly limited my time, but all that was freed up was quickly consumed again by sleep. Naps galore.
So I can only assume that the same thing will happen again. Is it my body’s way of demanding a certain amount of downtime from me? When I go into overachiever mode, it just counters by inducing sleep? Or is it some test or obstacle that I just haven’t overcome yet? Afterall, time is the one true currency. Am I wasting it?
When I give it some honest thought, I don’t ever feel guilty about the time I spend not-being-productive. I have no regrets about all those hours playing WoW, and in spite of my growing list of Someday/Maybe projects, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on something by not getting down to them. In fact, I’m rather content and happy with things right now, so maybe this is just something I need to shrug off.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thoughts On the Train
Nick and I decided to take the train up to San Francisco just for the hell of it, because neither of us had been on a proper Amtrack ride before. It was really, REALLY nice. Perhaps you are wondering if you should try out the train on your next traveling adventure instead of flying and driving. Here are some observations that may help you decide.
First, if time is a luxury for you and you aren't in any hurry, then I'd say go for it! Certainly if you are on a tight schedule it would be way more convenient and not much more expensive to fly from LA to San Francisco (and we are flying back so we didn't have to take an extra day), but the time it takes is really the only downside to the train. Fortunately, if you aren't on a schedule and aren't in a hurry, there are plenty of things to do to fill up that time. Also, there's no "get there an hour early and suffer through security" that eats up that time. The train shows up at the stop, you give your ticket and get on. Boom, done.
The seats on the train are comfortable and have a million miles of legroom. There are no rules about bags having to be stored overhead, so you can just sprawl your stuff out at your seat (and if you're short like me and can't actually reach the footrest in front of you, it's nice to be able to use your bags as one instead). There are power outlets at every seat. You can get up and wander around at any time. The windows are large and the views are pretty, and it took me back to memories of being little and staring out the car window on any car ride, absorbing the landscape.
In the lounge car, they have even more gigantic windows and seats facing directly out, in case you are into the sightseeing part. They also have big booth tables and free wi-fi, and several people were just at these tables working away on laptops. One lady had even brought her scrapbooking project, and had her crafts spread out on the table. I think she was working on it for most of the train ride. Nick and I spent several hours at one of the lounge tables playing Magic: The Gathering.
The lounge car also has snacks that you can purchase, and either eat there or take back to your seats to eat. The diner car had some decent food, but that's the only other negative about riding the train - since space is scarce, if you have a party of less than 4, they will seat strangers together to fill up the booths. There is nothing I hate quite so much as awkward socialization with strangers when I'm trying to eat, but if you are an extrovert then this could be really exciting for you.
So, in spite of it being an 11 hour ride, I spent that time napping, gazing, playing Minecraft, Spacechem, Poker Night at the Inventory, playing Magic with Nick, watching a movie, and so on. It was no different than having a particularly lazy day at home, except there was no Mr. Davis to snuggle. When we got to San Francisco at 10:00 at night, I didn't feel exhausted the way I normally do after even the shortest of flights.
In conclusion, if you've never been on an Amtrak trip, and you have some time to kill and are in no hurry, and perhaps have many personal projects that you'd like to get some work done on, then yes, try it out at least once!
First, if time is a luxury for you and you aren't in any hurry, then I'd say go for it! Certainly if you are on a tight schedule it would be way more convenient and not much more expensive to fly from LA to San Francisco (and we are flying back so we didn't have to take an extra day), but the time it takes is really the only downside to the train. Fortunately, if you aren't on a schedule and aren't in a hurry, there are plenty of things to do to fill up that time. Also, there's no "get there an hour early and suffer through security" that eats up that time. The train shows up at the stop, you give your ticket and get on. Boom, done.
The seats on the train are comfortable and have a million miles of legroom. There are no rules about bags having to be stored overhead, so you can just sprawl your stuff out at your seat (and if you're short like me and can't actually reach the footrest in front of you, it's nice to be able to use your bags as one instead). There are power outlets at every seat. You can get up and wander around at any time. The windows are large and the views are pretty, and it took me back to memories of being little and staring out the car window on any car ride, absorbing the landscape.
In the lounge car, they have even more gigantic windows and seats facing directly out, in case you are into the sightseeing part. They also have big booth tables and free wi-fi, and several people were just at these tables working away on laptops. One lady had even brought her scrapbooking project, and had her crafts spread out on the table. I think she was working on it for most of the train ride. Nick and I spent several hours at one of the lounge tables playing Magic: The Gathering.
The lounge car also has snacks that you can purchase, and either eat there or take back to your seats to eat. The diner car had some decent food, but that's the only other negative about riding the train - since space is scarce, if you have a party of less than 4, they will seat strangers together to fill up the booths. There is nothing I hate quite so much as awkward socialization with strangers when I'm trying to eat, but if you are an extrovert then this could be really exciting for you.
So, in spite of it being an 11 hour ride, I spent that time napping, gazing, playing Minecraft, Spacechem, Poker Night at the Inventory, playing Magic with Nick, watching a movie, and so on. It was no different than having a particularly lazy day at home, except there was no Mr. Davis to snuggle. When we got to San Francisco at 10:00 at night, I didn't feel exhausted the way I normally do after even the shortest of flights.
In conclusion, if you've never been on an Amtrak trip, and you have some time to kill and are in no hurry, and perhaps have many personal projects that you'd like to get some work done on, then yes, try it out at least once!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Singing in the Car
Tonight I drove out near LAX to meet up with Jesse while he was in town and catch-up on life and the universe. On the drive back there was some accident on the 405, so I took the non-interstate route, which was no faster but at least I was moving. It made me realize that I miss singing in the car very much. These days I live 5 minutes from work (and am FINALLY getting my bike repaired this weekend, so will be in the car even less!), so I don't get too much car-music time. I rather miss times when I drove to Louisville from Pittsburgh, and had 6 full hours of car singing.
Anyway, the hour I spent weaving my way through LA to get home was actually quite pleasant, from the singing but also because I was in no hurry to get anywhere, so I could take my time.
For your listening pleasure, I've made a playlist of some of the songs I sang on my evening drive home (predictably, there's a lot of Bryan Scary in there). Enjoy!
http://grooveshark.com/playlist/What+I+Listened+To+On+My+Drive+Tonight/62485448
Anyway, the hour I spent weaving my way through LA to get home was actually quite pleasant, from the singing but also because I was in no hurry to get anywhere, so I could take my time.
For your listening pleasure, I've made a playlist of some of the songs I sang on my evening drive home (predictably, there's a lot of Bryan Scary in there). Enjoy!
http://grooveshark.com/playlist/What+I+Listened+To+On+My+Drive+Tonight/62485448
Monday, July 12, 2010
The games I'd make
My team just finished hitting an intense deadline at the end of June, and I'm finally winding back down to a normal pace. As such, I've been thinking a lot about games and that question that every game designer gets asked...
"If you could make any game you wanted, what would it be?"
I've been asked that a fair amount recently, and I've always responded with "I have to think about it," not as a dodge but just because I really did have to think about it. I spent the better part of 2 months pondering the matter, and have finally come up with my response.
If I could make any game I wanted, I would make another platformer that used the gamecube kongas as a controller.
Wait wait, before you say I'm crazy, let me explain a couple of things. First is my unusual relationship with Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat, from whence this inspiration is derived. When that game came out, it was during a period of my life where I was in a lot of pain and no one knew what the hell was wrong with me. It had come to the point where I could not manipulate a video game controller for very long because it was too painful.
Thoughts of carpal tunnel syndrome or rheumatoid arthritis had been spinning around in my brain*, and I'd thought that there might come a time when I couldn't play video games at all. It was incredibly depressing.
When DK:JB came out and I played it at a friend's, amidst much laughter and hilarity, I found that using the kongas, as bizarre and silly at may have been, did not trigger pain like a normal controller, I imagine since there wasn't as much fine motor manipulation involved. Needless to say, I got the game for myself and played the CRAP out of it. Over and over, collecting more and more bananas, getting more and more skilled at racking up combos and surprising myself to learn that you could get platinum medals on the levels.
That game has such a special place in my heart, purely from the fact that I could play it at the time.
The second factor is that I've figured out what stirs my passion the most about games, and it is unusual interfaces. Whenever I snoop around the indie game picks of the week, I'm always most drawn to the games with the weirdest, cleverest, or most experimental means of controlling the game.
This delight may tie as far back as high school, when a group of friends and I managed a 5-player-at-once game of Spyro the Dragon using a DDR pad.
So yeah, it may not have to be the kongas specifically, but maybe a platform adventure for, say, the Rock Band drums, or some other bizarre input device that was never intended for the type of game I intend to make. This is what I want to make!
"But Lisa, no one would play those games."
Yeah, so? What of it? I'd play 'em, and I know like 3 people who would also play them. I can make a game for a 3 person audience if I want. So there.
*Eventually, after way too much money spent on medical testing, it was determined to be fibromyalgia, which is not progressive, and now I take pain-thwarting meds such that I can play games all day and all night once more.
"If you could make any game you wanted, what would it be?"
I've been asked that a fair amount recently, and I've always responded with "I have to think about it," not as a dodge but just because I really did have to think about it. I spent the better part of 2 months pondering the matter, and have finally come up with my response.
If I could make any game I wanted, I would make another platformer that used the gamecube kongas as a controller.
Wait wait, before you say I'm crazy, let me explain a couple of things. First is my unusual relationship with Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat, from whence this inspiration is derived. When that game came out, it was during a period of my life where I was in a lot of pain and no one knew what the hell was wrong with me. It had come to the point where I could not manipulate a video game controller for very long because it was too painful.
Thoughts of carpal tunnel syndrome or rheumatoid arthritis had been spinning around in my brain*, and I'd thought that there might come a time when I couldn't play video games at all. It was incredibly depressing.
When DK:JB came out and I played it at a friend's, amidst much laughter and hilarity, I found that using the kongas, as bizarre and silly at may have been, did not trigger pain like a normal controller, I imagine since there wasn't as much fine motor manipulation involved. Needless to say, I got the game for myself and played the CRAP out of it. Over and over, collecting more and more bananas, getting more and more skilled at racking up combos and surprising myself to learn that you could get platinum medals on the levels.
That game has such a special place in my heart, purely from the fact that I could play it at the time.
The second factor is that I've figured out what stirs my passion the most about games, and it is unusual interfaces. Whenever I snoop around the indie game picks of the week, I'm always most drawn to the games with the weirdest, cleverest, or most experimental means of controlling the game.
This delight may tie as far back as high school, when a group of friends and I managed a 5-player-at-once game of Spyro the Dragon using a DDR pad.
So yeah, it may not have to be the kongas specifically, but maybe a platform adventure for, say, the Rock Band drums, or some other bizarre input device that was never intended for the type of game I intend to make. This is what I want to make!
"But Lisa, no one would play those games."
Yeah, so? What of it? I'd play 'em, and I know like 3 people who would also play them. I can make a game for a 3 person audience if I want. So there.
*Eventually, after way too much money spent on medical testing, it was determined to be fibromyalgia, which is not progressive, and now I take pain-thwarting meds such that I can play games all day and all night once more.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Football insight
While watching the Superbowl tonight, I had an insight. I realized that the time I started enjoying football corresponded with when they started using augmented reality to render the first down line.
I used to be all, "I don't know what's going on! Wait, why are they switching out? What happened? Was that a good thing? Did something good happen?" And I pretty much gave up on attempting to watch the sport.
Now it's easy, I just look at the screen and think "Okay, they have to get to there, got it." Suddenly, football is enjoyable to watch!
It's amazing how a little piece of technology can make something so much more accessible to a casual audience!
I used to be all, "I don't know what's going on! Wait, why are they switching out? What happened? Was that a good thing? Did something good happen?" And I pretty much gave up on attempting to watch the sport.
Now it's easy, I just look at the screen and think "Okay, they have to get to there, got it." Suddenly, football is enjoyable to watch!
It's amazing how a little piece of technology can make something so much more accessible to a casual audience!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Inner Fire
I'm having one of those stretches where I'm really excited about what I'm doing at work. We got updated schedules, which helps a TON in how energetic I am in any job. When I know my schedule, I can adjust my energy output across time very efficiently.
It's one of those times where I'm all giddy when I wake up in the morning, because I'm excited about getting in and doing stuff, or perhaps I solved a particularly tricky problem in a dream. It sounds silly, but I solve game design problems in dreams all the time. Subconscious Lisa, she is very clever, and I give her plenty of time to work, what with all the sleeping I do.
Like everything else lately, I know that times come and go and change, so I'm trying to be thrilled and happy while the inspiration lasts.
I think part of the inner fire comes from me recently jolting up and realizing, "OMG, I'm making games, like, as a job."
A similar thing happens to me with music. I often forget music exists, and then when I suddenly remember for whatever reason, I'm like "MUSIC EXISTS!!" and listening to music endlessly and dancing for days. It's a strange phenomenon, but whatever. Being surprised now and then by a truth of life never hurt anybody.
It's one of those times where I'm all giddy when I wake up in the morning, because I'm excited about getting in and doing stuff, or perhaps I solved a particularly tricky problem in a dream. It sounds silly, but I solve game design problems in dreams all the time. Subconscious Lisa, she is very clever, and I give her plenty of time to work, what with all the sleeping I do.
Like everything else lately, I know that times come and go and change, so I'm trying to be thrilled and happy while the inspiration lasts.
I think part of the inner fire comes from me recently jolting up and realizing, "OMG, I'm making games, like, as a job."
A similar thing happens to me with music. I often forget music exists, and then when I suddenly remember for whatever reason, I'm like "MUSIC EXISTS!!" and listening to music endlessly and dancing for days. It's a strange phenomenon, but whatever. Being surprised now and then by a truth of life never hurt anybody.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Happy
Today I was eating an orange, which at the time was the tastiest orange in all the land, and I realized that I'm living like a queen.
I have this little home, and it's perfect, and it's pretty and the light shines through every morning and makes little rainbows. And there's an uppity hummingbird who chirps demandingly at me if his feeder is empty, but that's okay. And there's all this water! Look at all the water we have! It's like a miracle! We can swim in it, and take baths in it - queenly activities, don't you think?
And I can lay on the floor and stare out the window if I want to, and that's okay.
Oh, what a happy time I'm having!
I have this little home, and it's perfect, and it's pretty and the light shines through every morning and makes little rainbows. And there's an uppity hummingbird who chirps demandingly at me if his feeder is empty, but that's okay. And there's all this water! Look at all the water we have! It's like a miracle! We can swim in it, and take baths in it - queenly activities, don't you think?
And I can lay on the floor and stare out the window if I want to, and that's okay.
Oh, what a happy time I'm having!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
What It Is: Part 1
Jesse gave me a book called What It Is by Lynda Barry, as a spontaneous gift. He said that reading it felt like talking to me, and I can see that, because for me reading it feels like being inside of my brain. It's the sort of book I'll have to read twice: Once to absorb it all, and the second time to put into practice the questions and exercises.
There is a part that touches on things we wish we could do, often as children, wishing we could draw, or sing, or dance, or write stories, or act, and so on. Barry questions the reader, "Do you wish you could draw? What do you think it would be like?" Similarly, what do you imagine being able to sing would feel like? I answered along as I read through, and noticed a similarity that I hadn't before.
"I would feel free," I thought. I think that being able to sing, or to dance, would make me feel a certain, unique freedom. I think that many people who wish they could draw imagine that it would feel the same way. Isn't that interesting? What's that all about?
I remember riding on the ACTS bus with Monica Hardin as a sophomore in high school, and we would badger her to sing for us. I remember thinking, "if I could sing like that, I would sing all the time!" I also remember stopping suddenly after that thought, and remembering all the times people had complimented my drawing, saying "if I could draw like that, I would draw all the time!" Interesting.
There seemed to be a disparity in the reality (my being able to draw already) and the perception of what it must be like to be able to (probably similar to my perception of what it would be like to sing). I think it's similar to the idea of not being able to fly. We often wish we could fly, and dream about it, and yearn for it, but I think it's important that we can't. The feeling of yearning is an experience in and of itself that can be appreciated and taken for granted. If we COULD fly, it would mean something different to us.
I feel like I'm scratching the service on some insight or another, and that there is deeper digging to do. I haven't pieced all these thoughts together quite yet, but I have them all in the same net.
There is a part that touches on things we wish we could do, often as children, wishing we could draw, or sing, or dance, or write stories, or act, and so on. Barry questions the reader, "Do you wish you could draw? What do you think it would be like?" Similarly, what do you imagine being able to sing would feel like? I answered along as I read through, and noticed a similarity that I hadn't before.
"I would feel free," I thought. I think that being able to sing, or to dance, would make me feel a certain, unique freedom. I think that many people who wish they could draw imagine that it would feel the same way. Isn't that interesting? What's that all about?
I remember riding on the ACTS bus with Monica Hardin as a sophomore in high school, and we would badger her to sing for us. I remember thinking, "if I could sing like that, I would sing all the time!" I also remember stopping suddenly after that thought, and remembering all the times people had complimented my drawing, saying "if I could draw like that, I would draw all the time!" Interesting.
There seemed to be a disparity in the reality (my being able to draw already) and the perception of what it must be like to be able to (probably similar to my perception of what it would be like to sing). I think it's similar to the idea of not being able to fly. We often wish we could fly, and dream about it, and yearn for it, but I think it's important that we can't. The feeling of yearning is an experience in and of itself that can be appreciated and taken for granted. If we COULD fly, it would mean something different to us.
I feel like I'm scratching the service on some insight or another, and that there is deeper digging to do. I haven't pieced all these thoughts together quite yet, but I have them all in the same net.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Squee!
I am full of happy, you guys. A near-full month has flown by right under my nose, and I am completely at ease with the pace. I don't feel like I'm in a hurry for anything.
I love my job! The Insomniacs scooped me right back up into their pack, and I feel completely at home there. I love my team and I love the work that I'm doing, and I try every day to be grateful for it and for how lucky I am.
I also love the place that I live. There are so many flowers piled up outside my window, and every day hummingbirds zoom about and drink out of them. It smells wonderful! I was hesitant about choosing to live by myself out here at first, but now I'm very glad I did. Owning my space has inspired me to take responsibility for it, and I've made it into a place where I am happy to be. I took Joyce's suggestion and printed out several photos from my trip to the Phipps Conservatory, framed them, and hung them about my apartment.
The greatest thing about moving across the country and starting a new career is the opportunity it gives for creating good habits. It's like a clean slate for starting up routines.
I've been cooking regularly again, like I used to before grad school, and I have a little herb garden which I use just about every day.
I've started riding my bike to work every day, and I've been stretching every morning and every night. It's like I'm getting healthy again, or something!
Anyway, I'm trying to burn a solid memory of how I feel these days into my mind, so that when I run into hard times in the future, I can call it back up and smile.
I love my job! The Insomniacs scooped me right back up into their pack, and I feel completely at home there. I love my team and I love the work that I'm doing, and I try every day to be grateful for it and for how lucky I am.
I also love the place that I live. There are so many flowers piled up outside my window, and every day hummingbirds zoom about and drink out of them. It smells wonderful! I was hesitant about choosing to live by myself out here at first, but now I'm very glad I did. Owning my space has inspired me to take responsibility for it, and I've made it into a place where I am happy to be. I took Joyce's suggestion and printed out several photos from my trip to the Phipps Conservatory, framed them, and hung them about my apartment.
The greatest thing about moving across the country and starting a new career is the opportunity it gives for creating good habits. It's like a clean slate for starting up routines.
I've been cooking regularly again, like I used to before grad school, and I have a little herb garden which I use just about every day.
I've started riding my bike to work every day, and I've been stretching every morning and every night. It's like I'm getting healthy again, or something!
Anyway, I'm trying to burn a solid memory of how I feel these days into my mind, so that when I run into hard times in the future, I can call it back up and smile.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Her Morning Elegance
My favorite thing in the world is when people find things or make things that they say reminds them of me. It is so fascinating!
On that topic, Bryan Cash said, "I think that can tell a lot about what you unconsciously bring up in people."
He said this video reminded him of me. Perhaps for my unusual relationship with sleep? Who can say, but it might be indicative of how I live my life!
On that topic, Bryan Cash said, "I think that can tell a lot about what you unconsciously bring up in people."
He said this video reminded him of me. Perhaps for my unusual relationship with sleep? Who can say, but it might be indicative of how I live my life!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Simultaneous Attraction and Repulsion
Yesterday, Jesse and I were chatting about a Civil War game he picked up out of curiosity. We were speculating on what a Civil War FPS might be like*. Jesse figured a lot of bayoneting, and I figured a lot of gangrene.
"Oh!" I said suddenly, "what if there is an amputation mini-game with a hacksaw?"
IMMEDIATELY after the words fell from my fingers, I recoiled in horror. UGGGH!! Ew!! EW!
"Undo, UNDO!" I shouted, but alas, once an idea is birthed into the world, it cannot be forced back from whence it came. It is here to stay.
Even though I shuddered at my horrible idea, it kept coming back up in conversation, both then and again tonight.
At one point I even said, "I want someone to make a BVW World about it. NO I DON'T!"But it wouldn't leave my brain! Imagine the sound design on that. Bits of bone.....no..ew...EWW!! UGGH!! STOP IT.
Jesse laughed and said that there's no word yet for those mysterious things which attract and repulse at the same time. And he's right. Attempting to google it only brings up some science journal article titled "Independent functions of slit-robo repulsion and netrin-frazzled attraction regulate axon crossing at the midline in Drosophila." Which, of course, is not helpful at all. Do scientists publish these things and then giggle behind our backs? Netrin-frazzled, indeed.
Anyway, my poor, horrible Civil War FPS amputation mini-game may as well get logged away on my great list of ideas. Perhaps writing it down will cast it away for good. And who knows, perhaps it will come in handy someday. Poor little idea. Uggh....*shudder**apparently it's pretty terrible.
"Oh!" I said suddenly, "what if there is an amputation mini-game with a hacksaw?"
IMMEDIATELY after the words fell from my fingers, I recoiled in horror. UGGGH!! Ew!! EW!
"Undo, UNDO!" I shouted, but alas, once an idea is birthed into the world, it cannot be forced back from whence it came. It is here to stay.
Even though I shuddered at my horrible idea, it kept coming back up in conversation, both then and again tonight.
At one point I even said, "I want someone to make a BVW World about it. NO I DON'T!"But it wouldn't leave my brain! Imagine the sound design on that. Bits of bone.....no..ew...EWW!! UGGH!! STOP IT.
Jesse laughed and said that there's no word yet for those mysterious things which attract and repulse at the same time. And he's right. Attempting to google it only brings up some science journal article titled "Independent functions of slit-robo repulsion and netrin-frazzled attraction regulate axon crossing at the midline in Drosophila." Which, of course, is not helpful at all. Do scientists publish these things and then giggle behind our backs? Netrin-frazzled, indeed.
Anyway, my poor, horrible Civil War FPS amputation mini-game may as well get logged away on my great list of ideas. Perhaps writing it down will cast it away for good. And who knows, perhaps it will come in handy someday. Poor little idea. Uggh....*shudder**apparently it's pretty terrible.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Of Storytelling and Message Board RPGs
A huge focus at the ETC is properly educating us young'ens, as potential game developers of the future, about the intricacies of storytelling. Today's ETC Fundamentals class was focused on "The New Poetics," which takes Aristotle's Poetics and applying it to digital media, as done by Janet Murray. What this means is in addition to the Plot/Character/Theme/Diction/Music/Spectacle elements, adding the new element of "Interactivity," which is further explored in Murray's text.
This all reminded me of message board roleplaying, which I used to do quite a bit in high school and early college.
Yes, I'm a geek, I embrace it. Let's move past that...
Anyway, message board RP was only enjoyable up to a point, even if you were participating with fantastic writers and storytellers. It seemed doomed to fail for several reasons. One was that, inevitably, the back-and-forth turn taking would be disrupted by one party getting busy with other things, leaving the other waiting anxiously and unable to take his or her turn. The other big obstacle was that often, when engaging in a good story with one or two other people, other characters would post (and why not, if they saw how well the story was going and how much fun people were having), usually disrupting the flow of the current story to take it in the direction they wanted.
I remember the Tribes message board as being a fantastically set up forum. The creators had outlined a detailed and thoroughly fleshed out world in which the stories were set, and had constructed an engaging ruleset about the character "classes" one could play. They even made you have the character you created screened before you could start a thread with it (which some people found restrictive, but I found quite successful in adding to a believable world).
However, even though the set up was really good, and even though several engaging and interesting (for both participant and casual reader) storylines started up, they often suffered the same "doomed to fail" symptoms that I listed above.
Something that contributes to this in most message board RPs is the well intentioned rule: "Do NOT control other people's characters." Now, don't get me wrong, I see why that rule is in place. It's so people can't come in and take over and make people do things they weren't intending to do. However, it's the biggest contributer to the turn-taking failure when one party goes mysteriously absent. The story stops.
What of this exercise (and alert me if it's being done somewhere, because I want to go watch). Engage the RP as normal for several posts (because they always seem to be really good for the first 4 or 5 posts when the characters and inciting action are introduced). But then call a halt, let the participants grab what's been created, go off on their own, and write a story from what's been done so far. Then come back and share with each other their different stories.
I think this would be delightful! And it would get over the "don't control my character" touchiness in that you are not creating an avatar for yourself when you make a character, but rather simply a character, one that's fleshed out a bit and can be used. I think this would be fun for all parties involved, even if it did result in vastly different storylines.
Part of the reason that this appeals to me is that I am TERRIBLE at writing beginnings and endings. But oh, middles! I have tons of middles! All my secret writings that I hide away consist of middle upon middle upon middle. Oh to have a little help with the beginning and then to fly away with what I've been given. And the characters are already created and named, you just take them and make a story based off of what you know and what has been established so far.
I mean, is this not the same allure of fanfiction?
So, is this exercise being done anywhere on the net? And if so where, because I want to see how it turns out? And if not, someone should start it, because I want to play :)
This all reminded me of message board roleplaying, which I used to do quite a bit in high school and early college.
Yes, I'm a geek, I embrace it. Let's move past that...
Anyway, message board RP was only enjoyable up to a point, even if you were participating with fantastic writers and storytellers. It seemed doomed to fail for several reasons. One was that, inevitably, the back-and-forth turn taking would be disrupted by one party getting busy with other things, leaving the other waiting anxiously and unable to take his or her turn. The other big obstacle was that often, when engaging in a good story with one or two other people, other characters would post (and why not, if they saw how well the story was going and how much fun people were having), usually disrupting the flow of the current story to take it in the direction they wanted.
I remember the Tribes message board as being a fantastically set up forum. The creators had outlined a detailed and thoroughly fleshed out world in which the stories were set, and had constructed an engaging ruleset about the character "classes" one could play. They even made you have the character you created screened before you could start a thread with it (which some people found restrictive, but I found quite successful in adding to a believable world).
However, even though the set up was really good, and even though several engaging and interesting (for both participant and casual reader) storylines started up, they often suffered the same "doomed to fail" symptoms that I listed above.
Something that contributes to this in most message board RPs is the well intentioned rule: "Do NOT control other people's characters." Now, don't get me wrong, I see why that rule is in place. It's so people can't come in and take over and make people do things they weren't intending to do. However, it's the biggest contributer to the turn-taking failure when one party goes mysteriously absent. The story stops.
What of this exercise (and alert me if it's being done somewhere, because I want to go watch). Engage the RP as normal for several posts (because they always seem to be really good for the first 4 or 5 posts when the characters and inciting action are introduced). But then call a halt, let the participants grab what's been created, go off on their own, and write a story from what's been done so far. Then come back and share with each other their different stories.
I think this would be delightful! And it would get over the "don't control my character" touchiness in that you are not creating an avatar for yourself when you make a character, but rather simply a character, one that's fleshed out a bit and can be used. I think this would be fun for all parties involved, even if it did result in vastly different storylines.
Part of the reason that this appeals to me is that I am TERRIBLE at writing beginnings and endings. But oh, middles! I have tons of middles! All my secret writings that I hide away consist of middle upon middle upon middle. Oh to have a little help with the beginning and then to fly away with what I've been given. And the characters are already created and named, you just take them and make a story based off of what you know and what has been established so far.
I mean, is this not the same allure of fanfiction?
So, is this exercise being done anywhere on the net? And if so where, because I want to see how it turns out? And if not, someone should start it, because I want to play :)
Friday, April 27, 2007
Cellos
The cello will be my downfall! At work, the school's bell choir often practices in the foyer outside my office. This is all fine and well, but today they had a girl playing the cello with them. For some reason, the cello pulls and tugs at me and makes me want to cry the way no other sound does. It is tugging things loose.
You see, when I started taking this medicine, I stopped crying. I am guessing this is because my medicine is a selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, meaning that in addition to managing my pain threshold it has the bonus side-effect of also being an anti-depressant. Last year, when Nancy got sick, I started crying on a pretty regular basis. When she died I began crying pretty much every day. When I started on the medicine, it suddenly stopped, and it was rather jolting.
However, I don't think I'm done grieving. It is similar to how the medicine works on my pain: I can still tell that something is not right, that the pain is still there just below the surface, I just can't feel it. Similarly, I feel like my grief is still there, just below, being numbed out by neurotransmitters. And, just as drastic shifts in barometric pressure strip the numbing layer off my pain threshold, some things open up the emotional haze like a seam-ripper.
That brings us back to the cello. Still, it fascinates me how tone and sound can evoke such strong and specific emotional responses. Sound is a mystery to me, something I can't grasp the way I can drawing and painting. It is always so sharp, too. My exposure to the cello is pretty low, I'd say (except when I was questing in the damned blood elf land with its damned blood elf music. I was teary-eyed through the whole zone!), so it always surprises me how strong I react to it. And it's a very specific tone, too. The bass is too low and the other strings too high to make me weepy.
Baffling.
You see, when I started taking this medicine, I stopped crying. I am guessing this is because my medicine is a selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, meaning that in addition to managing my pain threshold it has the bonus side-effect of also being an anti-depressant. Last year, when Nancy got sick, I started crying on a pretty regular basis. When she died I began crying pretty much every day. When I started on the medicine, it suddenly stopped, and it was rather jolting.
However, I don't think I'm done grieving. It is similar to how the medicine works on my pain: I can still tell that something is not right, that the pain is still there just below the surface, I just can't feel it. Similarly, I feel like my grief is still there, just below, being numbed out by neurotransmitters. And, just as drastic shifts in barometric pressure strip the numbing layer off my pain threshold, some things open up the emotional haze like a seam-ripper.
That brings us back to the cello. Still, it fascinates me how tone and sound can evoke such strong and specific emotional responses. Sound is a mystery to me, something I can't grasp the way I can drawing and painting. It is always so sharp, too. My exposure to the cello is pretty low, I'd say (except when I was questing in the damned blood elf land with its damned blood elf music. I was teary-eyed through the whole zone!), so it always surprises me how strong I react to it. And it's a very specific tone, too. The bass is too low and the other strings too high to make me weepy.
Baffling.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Monday, September 16, 2002
Numbing War Movies and Cartoons
I've often pondered the cartoons of my youth, and their inexplicable ability to parody the most unlikely movies to be seen by a child in my age group. Specifically, how Animaniacs, Eek! The Cat, *and* Tazmania all managed to do spoofs of Apocalypse Now, so well that though I've never seen the movie, I can give a decent rundown of the plot, characters, and general spectacle.
Now let's think about this a minute. Apocalypse Now? WHAT?? Looking back, I find it strange that these cartoons chose to entertain the youth of my generation by making fun of a serious, dramatic, bloody Vietnam war movie. In that case, why did I find these particular cartoons so funny? I'd never seen the movie, afterall. Was Apocalypse Now so ingrained in the culture at the time that I just sort of soaked it up through osmosis, or did I piece it together after seeing multiple parodies that they were making fun of *something*, and apparently doing it well, so it should be funny.
It's hard to determine after the fact. Kinda like how I got most of my understanding of pop culture through Muppet Babies. That's how I knew what Star Wars was, afterall. It was a fundamental truth of life at the time, I never questioned where it came from, it was just *there*, and I'm certain that I knew all the basics of Star Wars before I ever saw any of the movies. Muppet Babies was definately an educational show ^_^
It's interesting enough to think about this and look at current cartoons, and then try and deduce how this generation's youth is soaking it all up. I also get to see things from a new perspective, I get most of the things being poked fun at. Now that I think about it, I can't remember how my parents reacted to the Apocalypse Now parodies, it was something I just didn't pay attention to.
Now let's think about this a minute. Apocalypse Now? WHAT?? Looking back, I find it strange that these cartoons chose to entertain the youth of my generation by making fun of a serious, dramatic, bloody Vietnam war movie. In that case, why did I find these particular cartoons so funny? I'd never seen the movie, afterall. Was Apocalypse Now so ingrained in the culture at the time that I just sort of soaked it up through osmosis, or did I piece it together after seeing multiple parodies that they were making fun of *something*, and apparently doing it well, so it should be funny.
It's hard to determine after the fact. Kinda like how I got most of my understanding of pop culture through Muppet Babies. That's how I knew what Star Wars was, afterall. It was a fundamental truth of life at the time, I never questioned where it came from, it was just *there*, and I'm certain that I knew all the basics of Star Wars before I ever saw any of the movies. Muppet Babies was definately an educational show ^_^
It's interesting enough to think about this and look at current cartoons, and then try and deduce how this generation's youth is soaking it all up. I also get to see things from a new perspective, I get most of the things being poked fun at. Now that I think about it, I can't remember how my parents reacted to the Apocalypse Now parodies, it was something I just didn't pay attention to.
Thursday, September 12, 2002
Facial Feedback Hypothesis
Since I alone make up the painting III class this term, I'm being bombarded with independent projects left and right. Whereas the painting II kids are doing an extended self portrait, I have chosen to do an extended self portrait smiling.
You see, anyone who's tried a self portrait knows that their default expression is "concentration," and it just so happens that my "concentration" face is also the same as my "demonic possession going to eat your soul" face. This is a hinderance because, in spite of what anyone may tell you, I'm not a demonic soul-eater from day to day.
So I thought, dammit, I'm going to make a portrait of myself smiling for once, maybe I'll have an easier time making it look like me. It seemed just the challenge (painting someone smiling is rather difficult to pull off). Well, after a rough, preliminary painting sketch tonight, I've found that not only am I more recognizable, but smiling the whole time also has beneficial side effects. I'M IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD!!!
Here I was dreading and whining having to go paint tonight, and instead, I'm all cheerful and skipping-round like. This project is going to be the most enjoyable one yet. Hooray for loosely proven psychological hypotheses! Hooray!
You see, anyone who's tried a self portrait knows that their default expression is "concentration," and it just so happens that my "concentration" face is also the same as my "demonic possession going to eat your soul" face. This is a hinderance because, in spite of what anyone may tell you, I'm not a demonic soul-eater from day to day.
So I thought, dammit, I'm going to make a portrait of myself smiling for once, maybe I'll have an easier time making it look like me. It seemed just the challenge (painting someone smiling is rather difficult to pull off). Well, after a rough, preliminary painting sketch tonight, I've found that not only am I more recognizable, but smiling the whole time also has beneficial side effects. I'M IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD!!!
Here I was dreading and whining having to go paint tonight, and instead, I'm all cheerful and skipping-round like. This project is going to be the most enjoyable one yet. Hooray for loosely proven psychological hypotheses! Hooray!
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