Monday, March 14, 2005

Eww, I catharted all over myself

LSC Scott and I chatted tonight:

" and i are a lot alike, i think...we've always been the happy-go-lucky goofballs...and to maintain that image, we suppressed our sadness and our anger and the like...and i think its finally rising to the surface...and we don't know how to deal with it b/c we've never had to before...that's my take on what's happening to me anyway...its not that we're anymore depressed or sad than anyone else in the world...its just that we've never let ourselves deal with it before...but there is only so much you can suppress before it finally overflows...and after 22ish years, that overflow point may have been reached..."

He's right, you know. I am "okay", but only because I don't want people to make a fuss. I said to Brendan "There is something broken inside of me..." but he didn't think so. I think it's always been there. Way back in high school it kindled. In college, I would sneak over to Rodes and cry and cry onto Brendan, but I never knew what was wrong. I cried a lot more than that, there were weeks where there wouldn't be a night that passed with dry eyes. I just never told anyone, because they all looked so worried when they caught me.

Some people have been attributing what's happening to me to not dating Carleton anymore, I think, because it is immediate (several months immediate, anyway). And while I do miss him (though I miss the physical proximity of our friendship even more) and while it was a sad thing for me, that is not what is broken. He could even see that. That's what I always did, anyway, I attributed it to whatever was at hand. "Why can't I stop crying?? It must be classes/finals/sickness/my carpal tunnel/whatever."

That's why I'm so anxious to be where and with whom I feel safe. Don't worry, I'm gonna talk to someone. As per usual, trying to explain what is going on to the world is the most difficult part. I'm sure this post will only come off as a sliver.

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