Wednesday, April 16, 2003


It's one of those pacing, puzzling, agitated days. I'm frustrated because the sun is shining, the weather is pleasant, and I am completely out of good or even logical reasons to be down about anything. I have this internal festering that I've only had twice before, which makes me want to do nothing more than skip down to the art barn, collect every piece of glass I've made, and SMASH them against the concrete. SMASH SMASH SMASH!!!!!!!!

The first time I felt it, I had Andrew with me, and he detered the mood a bit to where I only smashed things in my "broken box," so there was no real loss. The second time, I had friends about to hide among, so I would stay safely away from the art barn. Today, however, everyone's in the usual busy state, and I can't find anyone. I fear that if I can not find anything to prevent me, the aforementioned SMASHing will ensue (hence the reason for the journal entry, it should delay me a bit before dinner).

This would cause quite a predicament, as the student show is next week, and if I smashed all my stuff, I wouldn't have anything to put in there. It is strange, this art-destructo feeling isn't normal for me, not with anything 2-D, and I'm one of those people who is horrified when others tear up their drawings. Of course, the glass smashing isn't really about my feelings on the quality of my art. I love all my pieces, like little children, which makes it even more disturbing how much I want to hurl them to the ground and watch them explode.

I'm sure there's some deep, internal metaphor in there somewhere, but I'm tired and grumpy and don't wish to find it, only the smashing. I think they should be safe, I'll go to run some errands then go to dinner, maybe some food will make me not want to smash when I go to my glass slot tonight (maybe I'll fling a wonky cup into the wall, just for good measure).

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